Got your attention?!

So, of course the genitals have been recognized, focused on and studied ad infinitum. We know the importance of healthy functioning genitals in our sex life. We know that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings. We know about the g-spot, the vagus nerve, that women are a slow burn and are more auditory than visual when it comes to physically being “turned on.”

And for males we know the head of the penis has 4,000 nerve endings. That men “heat up” much faster than the girls. That erections are affected by our health, our lifestyle and our minds.

Which brings me to the second touted most important sex organ…your brain. We now are able to study the affects of our thoughts, our stress, our desires, our dysfunctions in conjunction with brain activity, hormones and our hard wired histories/experiences. We know that desire has to be in place before the biological sequences can occur in both males and females. Even Viagra needs to have the desire signals on board for it to work in attaining and maintaining an erection.

Women need to feel desire (both ways desired and desirable) to lubricate and feel connected to a partner. And so, we know all this and yet our offices are filled with all manner of dysfunction, sexual boredom and relationship breakdown around intimacy.

Why? Well…my finding is that our Communication is our most important sex organ! Because of the guilt, fear and shame attached to our in born need to pleasure and be pleasured, people do not talk about what they want, and what they don’t want.

Men are trained in our culture that it is your responsibility to please the woman. You are to have a bag of tricks that makes every woman scream…that is according to the porn industry and the magazines staring at you in line at every grocery store. So men are not encouraged to ask…to talk about what they like or to find how their partner likes to be touched, where they like to be touched, is their left labia more sensitive than their right labia, etc.

And on the other side….women are trained to not speak up…don’t hurt your guy’s fragile male ego. What happens if the girls are not enjoying sexual encounters? They avoid them, they get through them or they fake having a good time.

Like in the porn industries depiction of women having multiple orgasms while being pounded for an hour….all made up! Hollywood…I’ve seen these movies made…sad that this is our model for how sexual interaction is suppose to occur.

So…how do we get more in charge, have more say about our bedroom experiences? Sit down with your partner and write up your lists, one is for your turn-ons, the other is for your turn-offs. Discuss the list one by one taking turns in negotiating how one another’s needs can be met.

If you are just beginning a sexual relationship, sit and talk about likes and dislikes, don’t just get enough alcohol one night, fall into bed and fumble around hoping for the best. This pattern could last a lifetime or at least several years before you find your way in to my office.

Susan Kaye, Ph.D.
Sex Therapist, Sex Educator, Intimacy Coach
Surrogate Partner Therapist